Where No Suethor Has Gone Before
by Deranged Little Monkey
Summary: New breeds of Mary Sue are arriving at Hogwarts...
1. The Hill Billy Sue

It was Harry Potter's seventh year at Hogwarts. He started it by sitting at the Gryffindor table with his two best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. The first-years had just been sorted and the feast had begun.

"What exactly are we doing here again?" asked Harry.

"What do you mean?" replied Hermione, looking up from her book, _Hogwarts: A History_ (which she had read and possibly memorized when she was eleven but was reading again despite that).

"Well, I don't remember very well, but I'm pretty sure at the end of last year I swore not to come back here and instead search for Voldemort's horcruxes."

Before anyone could respond, the doors to the great hall opened and a beautiful girl entered. She was tall and unnaturally skinny but somehow had curves in all the right places at the same time. Her hair was as golden as a silky field of wheat and her eyes as blue as a clear duck pond on a summer day. She wore a red plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off her tanned arms and her short denim skirt displayed her amazingly long legs.

"Howdy, y'all!" she greeted the silent stares cheerfully.

Harry's breath caught in his throat and his jaw dropped. All he could think of was her, the girl, his one true love…

"I see the new student has arrived." Dumbledore said as he stood. Everyone was so awe-struck by the girl's beauty that they failed to remember that he had been killed the year before by Professor Snape, who was also at the staff table.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Maggie-Rae Peggy Ann Sue Hogpusher, a transfer student from America. Her former school was in one of the southern states, I believe." announced the headmaster.

Maggie-Rae waved to everyone and strode up to the sorting hat, the thump of her cowboy boots on the stone floor ringing out over the whispers and gasps of the student body. She set herself on the stool and the hat was put on her head.

After a few moments of inaudible muttering (something about not being smart enough for Ravenclaw), the hat roared, "GRYFFINDOR!"

The table erupted with cheers and applause. Members of the other three houses looked enviously at the ecstatic Gryffindors. Maggie-Rae smiled shyly and sat next to Harry. "Oh, my," she gaped at him. "Yer the Boy-Who-Done-Lived!"

Harry blushed. "Yeah…" he muttered.

"Ah didn't know you were so gosh-darned pretty!" she exclaimed, causing Harry to turn an even deeper shade of red. Before he could respond, though, Draco Malfoy sauntered up to the group.

"What are _you_ doing here, Malfoy?" Ron snarled, remembering the blond boy's role in Dumbledore's death (despite the fact that the old man was alive and well and sitting at the staff table enjoying a strawberry tart).

Draco ignored him. "Hey, beautiful," he addressed the southern belle, "if you know what's good for you, you'll ditch the pauper and the mudbloods and join me and my friends tonight in the astronomy tower."

"Golly gee, ah'd like that." Maggie-Rae giggled, fluttering her long eyelashes seductively. Draco smirked at Harry before going back to the Slytherin table.

"The nerve of that-" before Hermione could finish her insult, she was cut off by Maggie-Rae, who talked for the next three hours about how great the south was, how much more advanced her old school was, and creative ways to _pass time_ with five girls and a sheep. Everyone else listened attentively, in awe of this amazing new girl who knew so much more then they did and was so informed about the world.


	2. The Zombie Sue

It was the first week of school and all the residents of Hogwarts were happily eating dinner in the Great Hall when suddenly the doors swung open. All the students and teachers turned and gasped. In the doorway stood a girl with raven-black hair, eyes as dark as black, limpid pools of nothingness, and pale, slightly greenish skin (but of course an attractive, _sexy_ green). 

"Braaiinnnss…." The girl groaned as she slumped against the door frame.

Everyone stared at her.

"Ah, heh, I mean good evening," she said, straightening up. "My name is Anastasiya Vasylyna Sofiya Viktoriya. I am now a student here. Sort me into one of the houses."

Teachers scrambled out of their seats to fetch the sorting hat and a stool, then fought for the honor to place said hat on the head of such a breath-taking girl.

Eventually she was sorted into Slytherin and sat next to Draco Malfoy, who was drooling over her. Pansy Parkinson tried to crawl into his lap, but he shoved her away, ignoring her indignant squeals.

"So," he addressed Anastasiya Vasylyna Sofiya Viktoriya. "Where are you from?"

"A place that didn't exist until just now." she replied. "I came here to learn magic, even though I already know everything and despite the fact that probably no one will accept me for what I am."

Draco blinked. "Um…. So…what are you? A vampire? Werewolf? We've had a couple of those come and they've been welcomed with open leg- er, arms." Draco blushed as he remembered his past encounters with such Sues (sorry, _unique characters_).

Anastasiya Vasylyna Sofiya Viktoriya announced dramatically, "I'm a zombie!"

Everyone in the room gasped.

"Yes, a _zombie._" She glared at Draco. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"No. In fact, I think it's sexy," he smirked.

"Good. Let's go make out in a broom closet."

As they got up to leave, Anastasiya Vasylyna Sofiya Viktoriya noticed many boys staring at her longingly, including a raven-haired boy with glasses in Gryffindor. She smiled to herself and made a mental note to hook up with as many of them as possible in a very short period of time.


	3. The Geek or Nerd Sue

Everyone was, again, in the great hall eating dinner because the author can't think of any other setting. The topic of every conversation was either Maggie-Rae Peggy Ann Sue Hogpusher or Anastasiya Vasylyna Sofiya Viktoriya or both. Everyone was infatuated with the new girls, who both happened to be holed up in broom closets with their latest favorite boy-toys.

Suddenly the doors to the great hall burst open dramatically, causing everyone to gasp (despite the fact that this had happened twice before and they should be getting used to it by now). A beautiful girl entered, smiling shyly. For the third time that week, Harry felt his heart beat fast and his breath catch in his throat. And no, he wasn't having a heart-attack.

She had thick-rimmed glasses, but those didn't diminish her beauty in the slightest. In fact, they made her even more attractive. Her mousy brown hair was tied back in a sexy ponytail and she wore baggy sweatpants and a slightly large Dungeons-and-Dragons shirt that made her look amazingly hot, even though anyone else would look like a geek in those clothes.

"H-hello," the girl stammered shyly. Half the boys in the room wet themselves at the sound of her voice. She continued, "My name is Bridget Dana Leslie Katherine Evangeline Smith. I transferred here from… from… somewhere." Without waiting for any sort of reaction, she made herself comfortable at the Ravenclaw table. Everyone accepted that and went about fantasizing about her and trying to figure out how to get her to date/snog/sleep with them.

Luna Lovegood happened to have the honor of sitting next to this goddess-on-Earth. Bowing her head respectfully as she addressed this awe-striking beauty, she said, "That's an interesting shirt you have on."

Bridget Dana Leslie Katherine Evangeline Smith beamed at her, causing Luna to faint. Oblivious to the unconscious state of her new friend, Bridget babbled on happily about role-playing games, electronics, band practice, marching band, and her incredibly high IQ. When she paused for breath a few hours later, a random student asked, "What instrument do you play?"

"Oh, I play all of them," she answered casually. "I'm section leader for every section at the same time. And I conduct and give private lessons." All the Ravenclaws oohed and awwed. Bridget continued, "I also get the highest grades in every class, which are of course all advanced classes. In fact, I often end up educating the professors about their own subjects."

All the Ravenclaws, as well as students from other houses who had come over to bask in her radiance, praised and worshipped Bridget, who blushed and insisted that she wasn't _that _great (even though she knew she was).

Ron had fought his way through the adoring crowd just to be near the new girl. He was currently standing behind her and trying not to drool in her hair. When she finally noticed him, the beautiful girl giggled and blushed, then said, "You're cute." Ron fell over in shock. Bridget giggled some more and shyly asked if he'd like to hang out sometime. After a quick seizure, Ron accepted her offer and suggested they spend next Saturday at Hogsmead together.


	4. Religious Sue

**Important Note**: I am making fun of Sues and stereotypes, not religions. Please don't hurt me.**  
**

Harry Potter followed after the dazzling Maggie-Rae like a lost puppy. He had stopped having independent thoughts long ago and now depended on his southern sweetie completely.

While Maggie-Rae was busy glaring at Anastasiya (her arch-rival), Harry noticed Fred and George Weasley walk by. Usually this wouldn't get his attention, but in some dark corner of his mind he realized that something was very, very wrong with this picture. Then Maggie-Rae called impatiently, "C'mon, Harry!" The love-sick slave ran after his beloved, forgetting everything else.

Most students were too obsessed with the three new girls to notice the change in the Weasley twins. They had become quiet, somber, and well-behaved, and both wore crucifixes around their necks and carried Bibles in their hands. Professor McGonagall noticed the born-again behavior of the school's biggest pranksters, but instead of worrying she was bracing herself for what she thought would be yet another hoax. The sad truth, however, was that this was not a joke.

The cause of all this was the secret pen-pal that Fred and George had been writing to every week. She was a home school witch (despite the fact that magic shouldn't be learned at home alone without the supervision of a certified teacher). This girl was planning on coming to Hogwarts for her final year of school, and the twins were the only ones besides Dumbledore who knew this.

Which is why everyone was so surprised when she arrived.

Mary Esther Bethany Hosanna Eden Proffet was beautiful and she knew it. Her curly blonde hair framed her cherubic face like a halo and her angelic blue eyes were bright and radiant. Her long white dress with its high neckline made her look quite elegant. Her magnificence, combined with the surprise arrival, caused many people to faint. A large crowd followed her as she strode through the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. By the time she reached the Headmaster's office, Mary was wading through the drool of her admirers/stalkers.

Dumbledore greeted her warmly, eyes twinkling in a rather clichéd manner. "Mary, you're too special to be sorted into one of the houses, so you'll be a member of all of them and have your own private rooms. Would you like a lemon drop?" He then showed her to her rooms, eyes still twinkling despite the dim light.

Within a week, every person in the school had become a pious Christian and read the Bible during class and attended a church service in the Great Hall every Sunday, with the exception of the other three new girls, Professor Snape, and Filch. Apparently Snape was a Wiccan and Filch was a Buddhist. No one saw that one coming. The biggest surprise, though, was that the Divinations teacher, Trelawney, was a Jehovah's Witness. Her classes have never been the same since that disclosure.

Maggie-Rae, Anastasiya, and Bridget were all very unhappy with these changes. All the boys had sworn to remain chaste until marriage and wore purity rings. As you can imagine, this severely limited the girls' activities and pastimes. So, putting aside their enmity and grudges caused by competition for the main characters' attention, the three remarkable young ladies plotted the demise of Mary Esther Bethany Hosanna Eden Proffet.


	5. Beatnik Sue

The disappearance of Mary Esther Bethany Hosanna Eden Proffet was the topic of every conversation at Hogwarts for weeks. She had vanished without a trace and her room was completely stripped of all her possessions. The only clues of her fate that could be found were a large number of pickles scattered on her bedroom floor along with a travel pamphlet describing the windmills of Holland and a scrap of paper with the words "Sinfest: a midnight manifesto" scrawled on it in red ink. No one knew quite what to make of it. 

Without Mary there to preach, everyone resumed their former religious practices. Or did nothing religious at all. Or just contemplated the meaning of life. Or did everything they possibly could to offend anyone with religious beliefs.

Despite the fact that all the boys had abandoned their abstinence vows, life was not going well for Anastasiya. Being a zombie made things rather complicated for her: she was technically dead, making all her lovers necrophiliacs, and her body was gradually decaying. This made her sexual performance awkward, especially the incident with Neville Longbottom in the fifth floor boys' bathroom. She'd never been so embarrassed. She desperately needed a cure for her undead state.

Draco Malfoy, meanwhile, had left Anastasiya for a mysterious new student: Monette Fiona Armida Beatrix Emerson. Nobody knew exactly when or how she had arrived; the first time anyone saw her was in the library where she was reading beat poetry. She'd completely blown off Draco whenever he tried to talk to her, which only made him want her more. He had put off all sexual activity and was instead attempting to write a poem to impress Monette. So far, all he had was this:

_I've never felt so well_

'_Cause you're so swell._

_I want you._

_Make sweet love to me._

He wasn't sure how she'd react to it. He was hoping she'd leap into his arms and start making out with him. Feeling nervous, he folded his poem and put it in an envelope, sealing with a kiss. For a moment he considered putting on lipstick so the lip print would be visible as a sign of his adoration, but he decided against it and went in search of the girl he considered to be his one and only true love.

Monette Fiona Armida Beatrix Emerson was currently sitting in a dark, badly-lit hallway trying to find a word that rhymed with despondency. She blended in with the shadows with of her black turtleneck, black hair, and black fedora. She could barely see the writing in her notebook because of the dark shades she wore, but she wouldn't take them off. In fact, no one had ever even seen her eyes.

Acting totally out of character, Draco approached her timidly. Monette looked coolly at him, one eyebrow raised. Draco nearly fainted at her sexiness.

"I…I wrote this for you," he stammered, holding out the envelope. She took it, slowly opened the envelope, and read the poem. Draco hopped up and down anxiously as she read it a second time.

"You wrote this for me?' she asked. Draco nodded apprehensively. She hugged him suddenly and exclaimed, "It's beautiful!" Draco smirked, feeling a bit more cannon. "May I see your work?" he asked, nodding towards her notebook. She grinned and handed it to him, considering him a fellow poet. Draco read the first page:

_My life is Despair_

_No one is there_

_For me._

_I hate everyone._

_Life sucks._

"This is amazing," he told her. She smiled shyly. Draco smirked (again). "Wanna do it?"

Monette clung to him dramatically. "Yes! Take me now!"

One hour later, Draco was a very happy boy.


	6. Intermission

I am a horrible, horrible person. I'm sorry for this chapter.

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Peter Pettigrew skipped through the halls of the Malfoy mansion, humming a song he had written that morning. He called it "Lolita". Peter wasn't usually this happy. In fact, he was always groveling miserably at Voldemort's feet, obeying every command given to him. He did everything he could to earn his master's favor, desperate for even the slightest gesture of affection in return. Despite all his endeavors, though, Voldemort did not care for him. Peter had spent years pining for the Dark Lord's love, sacrificing everything (including his best friends and his right hand) for his malevolent master and got nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. But now Peter was happy; he had finally found true love.

Leila had arrived last week as Voldemort's partner-in-crime and greatest ally. At fifteen, she was the youngest and most powerful Death-Eater. She was the result of a steamy love affair between Fenrir Greyback and Mad-Eye Moody (don't ask). She was a half-werewolf, which meant that she loved raw meat and became very hairy during that time of the month. Except during that certain time, she was beautiful beyond all reason. Her hair was raven black and her eyes were stormy grey- no, actually, they were red. Or blue. No, definitely red. Anyway, she was drop-dead gorgeous. And she was in love with Peter Pettigrew.

She had made Peter a man. They had only known each other for a few days and were already engaged. They kept their affair secret, though, as Voldemort would be furious if he found out. He, too, was in love with Loli- er, Leila. In fact, all the male Death-Eaters were. This just made Peter happier (and just a _little_ smug) because he had been the one out of all of them to win her affections.

Currently, Peter was on his way to meet his lover in a secret chamber that no one knew about (not even the Malfoys, despite the fact that it was their house). He arrived at the secret door to the secret room and said the secret password: "Love bunnies".

Inside, Leila posed on the king-sized bed. Her scanty outfit matched the fire-engine red bedspread as well as the carpet and the wallpaper. Peter drooled at the sight of her. Snapping his mouth shut and wiping the saliva from his chin, he scrambled onto the bed towards his lover. But just as he reached her, he heard a cough from the closet. Peter growled and flung open the closet door, revealing a cowering Draco Malfoy.

"Don't hurt him!" Leila shrieked, dramatically throwing herself between them.

"That bastard touched you!" Peter shouted furiously.

"Actually, I did more than touch her," Draco said helpfully. Peter tried to punch him, but Leila was in the way. "Besides," Draco continued, "shouldn't you be mad at Leila for cheating on you instead of hurting me? Really, I'm the victim here." Leila promptly slapped him.

Just then Voldemort burst into the room for no apparent reason. "What's going on here?" he demanded. Peter, Leila, and Draco all pointed at each other, trying to avert any blame.

Voldemort eyed them all suspiciously. After a moment he announced, "I tire of your ridiculous antics. Avada Kedavra." Peter fell down dead. Draco shared his fate a second later. Leila pulled out her wand (apparently she pulled it out of thin air, seeing as her outfit was too…well, nonexistent to hide anything in). "I challenge you to a duel!" she cried.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "As if any teenager could possibly be capable of killing me. Seriously, not even Harry Potter has managed it yet." Then he killed her. The End.


End file.
